We miss you funnyman

Sorry, I know that the media has been going on ad nauseam about depression since Robin Williams killed himself but as someone who has suffered from depression for as long as I can remember I need to add a little bit more to this discussion.

First, my deepest condolences to his family and I pray that all of the asshats that constantly harass, stalk, and use all other manners of digging up some pathetic story from a tragedy that just happens to involve a celebrity find themselves with no one willing to read or pay for their filth. (Sorry, that’s a rant for a different time and probably a by a different person).

It’s funny (strange, not haha), I can almost tell who has or does suffer from depression by their reactions, those that mention selfishness of suicide, can’t understand how one who “has it all” could kill himself. People who question how he could leave his family that way. They don’t suffer from it, they may have a cursory understanding, maybe even feel sorry for Robin that he went through life trying to be the funniest guy in the room so no one knew he was the saddest but they don’t really get it.

If you know depression this is likely your reac

tion, “well shit, it got him,” or, “he’d been doing so good too.” We wouldn’t blame him, it wasn’t him it was depression.

I’m not saying that if you live your life with this disease you’re going to die from it, there’s remission which most of the time under the right conditions and treatment (btw I have no opinion on what is good or bad in this regard so I DO NOT want a debate) will keep you from going to that darkest place. You may have it flare up again from time to time but not as bad.

Sometimes though, like a cancer it just rips through someone and it doesn’t matter what you do you have no control. I know this and I pray to god that this knowledge will be enough for me to recognize this force if it ever comes for me.

It’s really hard to explain to someone who isn’t depressed, they just don’t get it. There is no “snapping out of it,” you can’t just eat a piece of lemon meringue pie and it goes away (okay, this almost works with me but I really love lemon meringue pie). Things that make people sad don’t necessarily make me depressed, I get sad too but it doesn’t send me into depressed state. I actually find that I get the most depressed after something fantastic happens, when I’ve been really “high” (thank god I’ve never fallen into drugs or heavy drinking). Instead of just slowly fading down back to a state of normalcy I find myself free-falling into a black hole. Once again I know this and I can force myself to pull the rip chord. That’s the thing, you have to know yourself.

I have no idea if others have the same issues, it’s different for everyone. Even my shrink didn’t really understand me, he was looking for the “trigger” that started my depression, I don’t think there was one, I believe I was born with it which is fine (he still doesn’t but I don’t go to him any more so I’ll let him hypothesize without me). Being depressed means having to be aware of your feelings at all times, watching your moods and feelings because if you slip down to far it’s really hard to come back out. My medication helps tremendously and honestly I’m terrified to go off of it because it may not be quite as easy to manage.

There is so much more I could say to try to explain but I just want to add this one last bit. For people who aren’t depressed (it be so much easier to say “normal people” but I don’t want to offend, I wouldn’t be but…) there are lists of choices, let’s look at some standard decisions and the options available for things in everyday life.

What time should I get out of bed tomorrow?
a. 6:30
b. 7:00
c. Whenever I wake-up
d. Why don’t I just lay in bed all day

What choice would you want to make? Probably a, b or c and perhaps from time to time d. What option might a depressed person make? Did you pick d?
Wrong
e. If I just kill myself I won’t have to worry about it.

Oh, didn’t you see e? It’s really only visible to us depressees (tired of saying depressed people or people suffering from depression). In all fairness they have all of the other options as well and would likely chose a – d 9999 times out of 10,000 however e is always lurking there. It’s always that little quiet option that lurks around, T/F/Die, Y/N/Die, a,b,c or die. It’s the ultimate way of not facing a problem.

I’m very sad that Robin Williams died but I’m happy that he has caused a fire-storm of discussion on depression. Yes he had drug and alcohol problems in the past but for the most part he seemed like a pretty outstanding guy and he had talked for years about his struggles with depression but always seemed to be doing okay.  Philip Seymour Hoffman also suffered from depression we didn’t talk much then because he died of a drug overdose (no he didn’t, he died of depression), same as Cory Monteith and many others. It took a really well love celebrity without obvious other issues (of which depression is often the underlying issue) to kill himself to really get us talking and I hope we keep talking. Having this affliction out in the open and getting people talking about it, thinking about it, learning about it is the best way to combat it. I have grown comfortable over time talking about my depression. Once I opened that door, telling those closest to me I found that I could tell others. I don’t just bring it up out of the blue, “So nice to meet you Bob, I’m Dennis. Hey, did you know I’m depressed?” But when I’m in a conversation and people are talking about it I share my experience. It helps me understand and hopefully them too.

Sorry I’ve talked so long but if you’ve read this far I thank you. I just want to leave with two other things.

If you suffer from depression, tell someone who you know, in your heart (not in the fog of depression) truly loves you (or you remember had truly loved you at one time) and do EXACTLY WHAT THEY SAY. It doesn’t matter who they are, there are even strangers out there who truly love you and you just don’t know it yet.

I also want to share these two posts from Hyperbole and a Half which have been getting a ton of well deserved press as of late:

Adventures in Depression
and
Depression Part Two

If you are a depressee read these then get everyone who knows (or that you want to know or that should know) that you are depressed to read them too. It’s the best explanation of depression I have ever read. If you are not depressed, read them anyway, they won’t make you depressed but they will keep you from telling a depressed person to “Buck-up” or that “everything will be okay, don’t worry.”

And here is a cute puppy.